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Tuesday, June 30, 2015

You Little BRATS!



I'm just about sick and tired of my social media feeds getting clogged up by these runaway posts. I can talk about this because our 17 year old daughter keeps running away, so I'm allowed. Look at the majority of these 'runways', they are clean, good looking, smiling kids - none of them are covered in dirt or bruises or are emaciated. These are spoiled bratty CHILDREN! I can't even call them young adults because they are acting like toddlers who throw themselves on the grocery store floor because their parents won't buy them a flippin' candy bar. Okay, so, some of these kids probably do run way because it is bad, or they're taken... i'll give you that. But COME ON! The majority of these little twits are just BRATS!


I'm going to talk about my own offspring... I'm not going into the way back past because my fingers would get too tired typing. We have given this kid everything, that's the first mistake. Gave her an iphone, when she turned 16 we gave her a car, she lives in a very nice house in a very nice neighborhood and has so many clothes and shoes that she doesn't have room for it all and it's usually all over the floor. I'm sure these are a lot of the same characteristics that these other 'runaway' kids possess as well - all spoiled! I could completely understand if the parents (or us) were abusive, were doing drugs and had questionable people over, wouldn't buy food for the house, or were just plain evil to these kids... all reason's to run away. But, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! These kids have everything handed to them, mistake #1.

ATTENTION PARENTS OF TODDLERS: YOUR CHILDREN DO NOT HAVE THE RIGHT TO HAVE A SMARTPHONE! REPEAT... YOUR CHILDREN DO NOT HAVE THE RIGHT TO HAVE A SMARTPHONE!

When your little sweet angel comes home from elementary school asking for a smartphone, the answer is NO. I know you don't want your kid to be 'left out' or teased or called names because they aren't completely grossly spoiled, but I'm telling you, this is the gateway drug to social media hell! Once you give them that power, hang up your captain's hat - these kids are smart. They know how to look crap up (porn, laws, drugs, etc.). You may as well lock down those ipads too!
I know I can't blame everything on social media and technology, but the generation of parents we have now are different than before. We're all working, we all want the best for our kids and it's just easier to give this crap to them instead of the kids EARNING it!
So, I'm going to step down off of my soapbox, a bit prematurely, but I could go on and on. Just remember, not everyone get's a trophy and not everyone get's a smartphone. Be a parent and instill morals and values into your kids. Make them get part time jobs - walk a dog, wash a neighbor's car. Do it for $2! Teach them what hard work is all about!

Back to the runaways, kids, just to let you know, if you're 17, your parents can't legally make you stay in the house, and they legally can't lock you out. So, if you're 16, forget it, you're labeled a 'runaway', but if you're 17, you are just a teenager who won't come home. Now, when your skinny ass turns 18, forget it, we don't have to open the door! Choose wisely grasshoppah!

Stay tuned for my soapbox rant about teachers...
Adios bitches!

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Yeah, I'm fat. Suck it.

Okay, so we all hear that when you get older your metabolism slows down and it's easier to lose weight. So, we're supposed to eat less and exercise more. HA! How in the hell is this possible?!? Throw a teenager in the mix and forget it! Like I want to exercise after arguing through text messages all day long, just to come home and argue about the same damn thing. My afternoon drive is usually filled with dread. I just want to get home and have peace. Oh, yeah, so we're supposed to get eight hours of sleep every night too - who lives in this LaLa land?!? My ass gets six if I'm lucky! So, we have the perfect storm - no sleep + stressed = physically and mentally exhausted = fat ass. You want me to exercise? Pft! And thank you for wine (no, really!). That doesn't help my chub at all. Have a glass of wine or two and suddenly those Costco quesadillas in the freezer sound pretty tasty, but heck,
melt another slice of cheese on top! Waking up the morning after a bottle of wine and a quesadilla (or two) just perpetuates the downward spiral.






So, to all of you out there who are judging me because I've put on a few L.B.'s - kiss my fat ass! You don't have to be so obvious about it! I get it! My pants are too tight! I don't need a reminder from you. I may be getting fluffy as I age, but I'm not wrinkly! Being surrounded by naturally slender parents my own age or older can be a downer...







As I write this and ponder the amount of my desk chair that I can't see anymore because I fill it up, I'm gnawing on a bowl of partially steamed broccoli with spray butter. How many 'spray's' do you actually get? By the time I'm done spraying I may have well taken the top off and poured it in!

I love food, but unfortunately, it loves me too and stays by my side... and my front... and my back... I know I'm not the only one, but people - have empathy, don't say anything - we know it. Now move your skinny ass so I can get a slice of Costco Double Fudge Chocolate Cake!

Monday, January 19, 2015

Don't take your life for granted

Coming from a mother of three awesome kids, do not take any life for granted. Things can change in a breath, less than a heartbeat. The recent event that occurred in our sleepy little town will rock our world for many years. You think you know someone. Parents never think their sweet little angel will ever do anything heinous. Maybe the typical teenager stupid crap. But to take another sweet little angel's life? Weather it is premeditated, intentional, accidental, for a girl, for a guy, for something stupid someone said, for any reason, there is absolutely no reason to let your temper get the best of you.

This sweet angel that has been a part of our world for over twelve years let emotions get to their temper. I am not going to say this is a girl or a boy, there is no need to get into the details. This angel was raised in a very nice neighborhood with a lovely family. This is not your stereotypical 'thug' family. This is a family with two parents who love one another, two beautiful siblings, pets, toys, limitless resources to build a wonderful life. Unfortunately, pot entered this little angel's life many years ago.

It seems like you can't turn around without hearing about the legalization of pot and how it's not dangerous. BULLSHIT. This drug will mess your brain up. Now, this doesn't go for everyone, but it will forever change how your brain works. Those kids that I went to school with that got high on the way to school every morning and was able to get straight A's, good for you. You may have a fine life now, family, money, etc., but just think of where you might be if parts of your brain were still intact? I've known way too many people who thought smoking pot was 'okay' and ended up in situations just like this. Something happened in this angel's brain from pot and it's not okay. This angel will most likely spend many years in prison. The crime committed was not okay, and it can't be taken back.

There are two victims, the one who performed the crime and the one who died from the crime. Two families lost their angels. One, they will never see again, one they will see behind bars. Neither family will see their angel walk across the stage to graduate high school. All Christmas's, birthday's, Easter's, summers, weekends, vacations, lives will ever be the same again.

It's frustrating to see people 'blame' this crime on the parents. The parents can only control so much. I've always been told to not be so controlling, stop hovering, don't snoop, stay off the kids social media. Kids will be kids. Teenagers need a little privacy. Well, believe me, teenagers have plenty of privacy, it's called being a teenager and not telling your parents anything. I know I'm the mean mom sometimes because I don't allow the kids to do the 'cool' thing, but I don't care. I don't want my angels being involved in anything like what happened yesterday. If you're there, you're guilty by association. What if you are there and it was a gun and in the struggle the gun went off and you were caught in the crossfire but you were just 'standing there'? REMOVE YOURSELF FROM SITUATIONS THAT CAN BECOME VOLATILE OR DON'T BE THERE TO BEGIN WITH!

In our minds, we are all invincible. I'll have one more cheeseburger because I won't have that heart attack, I'll speed around this truck on this blind curve because I never pass anyone here, I'll just threaten this person, but not follow through with my actions. It's not just kids that think they are invincible, it's everyone. I always thought my husband was a nervous nelly always worrying about stuff, but he's not, he's cautious, he doesn't take stupid chances. He's kind of like Ben Stiller in 'Along Came Polly'.

Take care of your bodies and minds, you are NOT invincible! No one is. And kids, stop being stupid and taking stupid chances. Stop taking the little things so seriously and focus on your future. The harder you work now, the easier your life will be. Also, reach out to your friends that you think they might be troubled. If you don't want to reach out, tell someone who will do something about it. Don't speed. Don't do drugs. Don't play with weapons. Embrace life and every breath you take - you only have so many before they run out.

To wrap this up, I just need everyone to send a little prayer into the universe for those who are suffering, those who don't make the right choices, and for kids these days in general.

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Tacos made from Doritos?

When I first saw this monstrosity of calories, fat, sodium and a myriad of random chemicals I thought to myself, my daughter would eat this crap. Lo and behold, she LOVES them! It pains me to drive to Taco Bell to spend money on this junk food pouch. Now, she did me a solid by opting for the traditional 'three mile island' orange Dorito taco instead of the 'i just threw up in my mouth' cool ranch taco.

Thank GOD she doesn't eat sour cream, that would just send me over the edge. 

I made a note to myself months ago about writing about these insane new products, thinking it would be a flash in the pan and only construction workers (sorry if you're a construction worker, but I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to the icky construction workers that cat call. So, don't worry, that's not you) would eat these things. But no, it has hung around for way too long and I have had to take one too many trips to ask for the "Dorito taco, the orange one" and a "Frito burrito". Yes, my daughter is a glutton as well as completely gullible to the Taco Bell marketing department. I just keep thinking, someone is going to top this at some point. I mean seriously, what can outdo this? I'm sure it will be deep fried. Fall is right around the corner, maybe a deep fried burrito... Crap. Now I'm hungry. I want a taco.


Friday, February 22, 2013

Toiletgate 2013




Some things are just too easy to poke fun at, even if it pisses off the victim. Let me preface this by just saying, the victim in this story is just that - someone who LOVES to be the victim. I'm not being hateful, just honest! Gotta have one in every bunch, right?

So, there are these three bathrooms that are overly used at work. Yes, they are the only three bathrooms, but it seems that we have an office full of people who have chronic Montezuma's Revenge because people are always dropping a deuce. There are more times you have to hold your breath walking down the hall than not.

"Toiletgate 2013"! 

(Cue Jim Cantore with his blue windbreaker and the overly dramatic music)
3:15pm - What's that knocking?
3:17pm - Oh, someone is knocking from INSIDE one of the bathrooms... they're dumb.
3:18pm - Okay, someone is literally LOCKED inside the bathroom.
3:19pm - I know who it is!
3:20pm - Haha, she was going to leave early... again (those of you who know this situation... well... the term 'salary employee' is used loosely here.)
3:25pm - Now we have the majority of the office staff standing around the bathroom door trying to decide what to do.
3:26pm - Someone yells "Someone call a locksmith"... everyone stands around with blank stares on their faces... 
3:28pm - An employee, who is obviously sucking up and not grasping the humor of "Toiletgate 2013", frantically looks for a phone book. Who in the hell still uses a phone book?
3:29pm - Karma. The first locksmith that is called won't be back until February 25th!
3:30pm - The excitement of the event has subsided and everyone is making their way back to their prospective cubicles.
3:32pm - I start chronicling the event on Facebook - classic bitch move.
3:35pm - Wow, it's only been 20 minutes and the victim is starting to panic. Really? Because she wanted to leave early so bad? That's the perfect room to be locked in - although I was silently wishing the light switch was on the outside of the bathroom to really mess with her.
3:40pm - Sorry folks, all of the screw drivers on the planet aren't going to work. The door knob is flat out broken. Sorry lady! You're gonna have to wait... hope you don't have to pee... oh wait, that's okay.


3:42pm - 4:15pm - I got bored.
4:20pm - Come on folks, I have to leave at 4:45pm, I have to catch a shot of her as she comes out.
4:25pm - A handyman with ADD shows up to open the door with a myriad of tools. At this point, bubble gum and paperclips will come in handy to blow the door off.







4:30pm - I'm starting to panic now, I must get a picture... hurry up!
 
4:40pm - She's out! And I have five minutes to spare!

Well, it's a good thing she took her phone to the bathroom with her... at work. A little alone time with a game of solitaire or two?

Every time I personally come out of the bathroom now, I feel like yelling "Yes! I am victorious!" just because the bathroom didn't try to eat me.

So, "Toiletgate 2013" was unclogged, but like every breaking news story, it quickly fizzles and focuses on some other ridiculous mind numbing story. What's going on with Lady Gaga these days?

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Damn it, Fat Man!

You know when everything is going great you get that feeling that something, just something, is going to mess it all up?!? Well, yesterday "The Fat Man" did just that! She messed it all up! I'm going to give her crap because she's divorcing me. The Fat Man hasn't worked for me for long, but it every second was jammed packed with excitement, psychosis, drama and confusion. It was a whirlwind of wine and zip fizz! So, she's gonna quite to try to get knocked up - she's nuts. We're talking about a chick who super glues her shoelaces together so they stay tied. Yes, she's very special. Oh no, maybe her husband should hide the superglue...

In all seriousness, I'm gonna miss her... a lot. I hope she gets knocked up, that her shoelaces stay tied and that all of her dreams come true because she is the kindest, most genuine, and happiest person I've ever had the honor to have in my life.

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Burps, Farts & Boogers



Ugh. Have you ever eaten so much that your stomach starts to rebel? Like, you have air coming out of every orifice because there’s no where left in your body for it to go. It is not attractive for anyone, especially a female! To be burping and farting in sheer agony because your fat ass can’t put the fork down! I’m hating myself right now. Did I really have to get a second helping of spaghetti and meatballs? Really? It just makes me think of that scene in “Bridesmaids” where all of the girls are in the dress shop and they all get hit with Montazuma’s Revenge? Maybe staying up all hours of the night watching movies doesn’t help the ole’ bowels either… especially when you have to drag yourself out of bed before the sun comes up! Gotta love kids, the crap we do for them! So, with the burping and farting subsiding, a lovely cold might be settling in. Seems like everywhere you go, you’re in the middle of some phlegm factory! Little kids, big kids, grown adults, senior citizens, dogs, cats… okay, maybe not so much the dogs and cats. Regardless, I’ll be consuming mass quantities of NyQuil tonight! The inventor of NyQuil is (or was) one awesome dude… or dudette.
 Now they have a new thing called ZQuil! It’s NyQuil without the other crap, it just puts you to sleep! Yes, Teenstruction, you may have two ZQuils… at 7pm!!! Woo Hoo! You might see me on the podium accepting my “Mother of the Year” award in the near future, I know. Sometimes ya just gotta do what you gotta do. Time to gather booger supplies – Peace Out Alligator!