Toiletgate 2013

Some things are just too easy to poke fun at, even if it pisses off the victim. Let me preface this by just saying, the victim in this story is just that - someone who LOVES to be the victim. I'm not being hateful, just honest! Gotta have one in every bunch, right?

So, there are these three bathrooms that are overly used at work. Yes, they are the only three bathrooms, but it seems that we have an office full of people who have chronic Montezuma's Revenge because people are always dropping a deuce. There are more times you have to hold your breath walking down the hall than not.

"Toiletgate 2013"! 

(Cue Jim Cantore with his blue windbreaker and the overly dramatic music)

3:15pm - What's that knocking?
3:17pm - Oh, someone is knocking from INSIDE one of the bathrooms... they're dumb.
3:18pm - Okay, someone is literally LOCKED inside the bathroom.
3:19pm - I know who it is!
3:20pm - Haha, she was going to leave early... again (those of you who know this situation... well... the term 'salary employee' is used loosely here.)
3:25pm - Now we have the majority of the office staff standing around the bathroom door trying to decide what to do.
3:26pm - Someone yells "Someone call a locksmith"... everyone stands around with blank stares on their faces... 
3:28pm - An employee, who is obviously sucking up and not grasping the humor of "Toiletgate 2013", frantically looks for a phone book. Who in the hell still uses a phone book?
3:29pm - Karma. The first locksmith that is called won't be back until February 25th!
3:30pm - The excitement of the event has subsided and everyone is making their way back to their prospective cubicles.
3:32pm - I start chronicling the event on Facebook - classic bitch move.
3:35pm - Wow, it's only been 20 minutes and the victim is starting to panic. Really? Because she wanted to leave early so bad? That's the perfect room to be locked in - although I was silently wishing the light switch was on the outside of the bathroom to really mess with her.
3:40pm - Sorry folks, all of the screw drivers on the planet aren't going to work. The door knob is flat out broken. Sorry lady! You're gonna have to wait... hope you don't have to pee... oh wait, that's okay.

3:42pm - 4:15pm - I got bored.
4:20pm - Come on folks, I have to leave at 4:45pm, I have to catch a shot of her as she comes out.

4:25pm - A handyman with ADD shows up to open the door with a myriad of tools. At this point, bubble gum and paperclips will come in handy to blow the door off.







4:30pm - I'm starting to panic now, I must get a picture... hurry up!

 

4:40pm - She's out! And I have five minutes to spare!

Well, it's a good thing she took her phone to the bathroom with her... at work. A little alone time with a game of solitaire or two?

Every time I personally come out of the bathroom now, I feel like yelling "Yes! I am victorious!" just because the bathroom didn't try to eat me.

So, "Toiletgate 2013" was unclogged, but like every breaking news story, it quickly fizzles and focuses on some other ridiculous mind numbing story. What's going on with Lady Gaga these days?

Damn it, Fat Man!

You know when everything is going great you get that feeling that something, just something, is going to mess it all up?!? Well, yesterday "The Fat Man" did just that! She messed it all up! I'm going to give her crap because she's divorcing me. The Fat Man hasn't worked for me for long, but it every second was jammed packed with excitement, psychosis, drama and confusion. It was a whirlwind of wine and zip fizz! So, she's gonna quite to try to get knocked up - she's nuts. We're talking about a chick who super glues her shoelaces together so they stay tied. Yes, she's very special. Oh no, maybe her husband should hide the superglue...

In all seriousness, I'm gonna miss her... a lot. I hope she gets knocked up, that her shoelaces stay tied and that all of her dreams come true because she is the kindest, most genuine, and happiest person I've ever had the honor to have in my life.

Burps, Farts & Boogers

Ugh. Have you ever eaten so much that your stomach starts to rebel? Like, you have air coming out of every orifice because there’s no where left in your body for it to go. It is not attractive for anyone, especially a female! To be burping and farting in sheer agony because your fat ass can’t put the fork down! I’m hating myself right now. Did I really have to get a second helping of spaghetti and meatballs? Really? It just makes me think of that scene in “Bridesmaids” where all of the girls are in the dress shop and they all get hit with Montazuma’s Revenge? Maybe staying up all hours of the night watching movies doesn’t help the ole’ bowels either… especially when you have to drag yourself out of bed before the sun comes up! Gotta love kids, the crap we do for them! So, with the burping and farting subsiding, a lovely cold might be settling in. Seems like everywhere you go, you’re in the middle of some phlegm factory! Little kids, big kids, grown adults, senior citizens, dogs, cats… okay, maybe not so much the dogs and cats. Regardless, I’ll be consuming mass quantities of NyQuil tonight! The inventor of NyQuil is (or was) one awesome dude… or dudette.

 Now they have a new thing called ZQuil! It’s NyQuil without the other crap, it just puts you to sleep! Yes, Teenstruction, you may have two ZQuils… at 7pm!!! Woo Hoo! You might see me on the podium accepting my “Mother of the Year” award in the near future, I know. Sometimes ya just gotta do what you gotta do. Time to gather booger supplies – Peace Out Alligator!

Is Enough really Enough?

So, when do you say enough is enough? I'm talking about everything in life, enough eating, drinking, partying, fighting, 'putting up with', paying off debt, working, working hard, laundry, cooking, laughing, crying, reminiscing, driving, caring, protecting, dieting, anti-wrinkling, shopping, being funny, being serious, fighting for what's right, fighting for what you want, fighting for what others want, proving your point, being comfortable, belonging, exclusion, loving, loathing, worshiping, wondering, researching, understanding, taking vitamins, saving, holding out hope, and most of all... paying attention.
I feel like I've been telling myself "enough is enough" my whole life! It seems as if there is so much going on in today's society, that people don't know the basics anymore. What ever happened to "tit for tat", "i'll scratch your back if you scratch mine", "an eye for an eye", "Do to others as you would have them do to you", etc. Obviously, chivalry is dead, that's been dead and gone for as long as I can remember. I know you shouldn't expect someone to to something for you just because you did something for them, but sheesh, come on! That's just human nature! You mean to tell me you would go out of your way to do something nice for someone and HONESTLY not expect (even deep down inside) a little something back? I know I've been on the receiving end of people's generosity and have not reciprocated, but I at least am nice to them! Have you ever done something for someone and in return they spit on you? Not literally, but figuratively. You just have to smack your head and say "what's the point if that's what I get in return!".
I guess our society has turned into one of "if I don't see it, I don't believe it". It's funny with parents, they are so into their kids lately that they don't think their kids can do anything wrong... ever! Well, sorry folks, you're kids are little shits and they're doing things that you couldn't imagine! Just look around, check out some of your kids friends Facebook pages... wow! The moral's of our society have really gone down the toilet. It has all completely spiraled out of control and I don't see it slowing down any time soon. I'll admit, I'm guilty. Being a parent is hard. Being a single parent is even harder!
I guess there are some things in life that you just can't get enough of, even if you get the same negative outcome each time. Albert Einstein was onto something when he said "Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

I guess you just have to keep fighting the good fight and giving it your all. Yeah, you just might get a big screw job in the end, but at least you got to an end! Also, just remember, most of the things that are in your life are temporary, good, bad, and ugly. So, if today is not going your way, tomorrow just might be a little better. OR, if you're having a great day today, don't worry, some asshole will probably screw tomorrow up for you.

Settle down, I'm back

Yeah, yeah, I know, where the hell have I been? The holidays consume me, as I consume them, all of them... mac & cheese, potatoes, cookies... wine... wine... wine... Five straight nights of wine... it was heaven!

So, my husband and I are supposed to be on an all-fish diet. That was supposed to start yesterday, ha. We went to Mexican for dinner last night - so, does fish swimming in cheese sauce count for diet food? It was fish after all...  So, we, or I, started up again today. Hopefully Teenstruction won't make chocolate chip cookies again tonight!

I find I come up with the best material when I'm at work. Yeah, I know, I should be working, but I'm a very fast typer / typist, whatever... I'm very fast! I have to type fast so I get all of this crap out of my head or I'll forget it. See, I took a detour to answer an email and completely forgot what I was going to say.

So, Jake and the Fat Man are talking about the Zone Diet. The Fat Man keeps telling Jake that she is going to do the diet, but Jake just ignores her. It's fantastic! You know typical girls have a deep hatred for other girls when they talk about each others' weight, but not these two - they thrive on calling each other "fat ass" and "chunky butt". Maybe they should be called "Fat Ass" and "Chunky Butt", nah, I wouldn't be able to keep them straight. I just consider myself absolutely flabulous with a side of fattitude! Mmm, yeah girl... three snaps in a "Z" formation!

Sorry, I had a meeting

I've been at a meeting for work this week. So, sorry, I've been bad at blogging. Let's get straight to the meat... I had an all day meeting and the following are my notes (I looked busy... and interested):
I wish I had an iPad with internet access.
I could be on Pinterest
Stalk on Facebook
Get some work done
Edit some pictures (I can't get ahead on this)
Plan Thanksgiving dinner
Christmas shop
Work on my Christmas list
Find funny pictures of kitties
Plan a ski vacation
Research shark diving
Play solitaire
Recipes to make my butt smaller
A good way to slowly murder this chick talking
Maybe find a picture of a kitten slowly eating her
Am I supposed to talk? These are all my programs...
Pepsi tastes bad.
This woman is talking again... I want to throw myself in front of a bus.
Seriously, her voice is like a blender full of light bulbs
Kitties... oh fluffy funky kitties.
This woman is slowly killing me
Her hair is stupid
Her pants are hiked up around her belly button
Oh my God! I think she just said "cats"!
No, she didn't
She has a big lower tummy pooch
Her pants aren't helping
Her head looks like the tiger mascot behind her - round head with lifeless eyes
She's trying to be witty... not.
I need younger hands.
My hands look like twice as old as I am
My nails suck
I don't think I've shaved my legs for over a week.
Damn, I look busy.
I really need to lose weight, but food is so yummy.
Pasta with cream sauce... mmmmmmmmmmm
My job is getting old.
Oh my God, I wish I could walk up to the front of the room and slap her
I just went to the bathroom and there was a woman taking a dump and talking on the phone
She was talking business
WTF?
There are four stalls flushing while she's on the phone! hahaha!
Okay, that woman works for us... wow.
Lady! PLEASE! Stop shouting!
I wonder if annoying lady knows exactly how annoying she is?
Oh man!... "YOU GOT IT!" with a leg kick and a full arm point!
Two words... high waters
Yeah, you know who you area...
The pretty girl sitting next to me (you know who you are!) thinks I'm taking notes
I hope she doesn't feel like she's not taking enough notes now.
Miss Annoying throws candy to people who answer her questions correctly... you dork.
So help me, I do NOT want to work with this hobbit of a woman
Mealy hand lady - her hands look cold, mushy and squishy
Her belt is so tight that she looks like she's an ant with a thorax
Squirrels on water skis - why? It's cute, but that's not normal.
What are we doing for dinner?
Who would marry this troll lady?
This new hobbit movie is coming out, too bad she didn't audition, she would have been perfect.

Okay, so there is my meeting...

I want a raise.

What do I call you?

So, I have two coworkers that are more like sisters than coworkers. Technically I am their "boss", but that title just has too many negative connotations to it. I honestly keep working at our office because of these two. When things aren't so great at home, I know that coming to work and seeing these two nut jobs that my day will get better. They honestly are my family away from home. The three of us have awesome chemistry and easily come up with loving ways to completely insult each other with love (I'm talking, completely cut each others legs off from underneath them!).
We have been battling the bulge for the past few years. We have also realized that all of these old chubby ladies aren't full of crap, the older you get, the harder it is to take off a few lb's. Remember when we were in high school and thought we were fate? Pssht, whatever!
We had an awesome thing going with exercise the months leading up to my wedding (which they went all out to help me plan) - we were going to the gym sometimes four days a week. Since none of us smoke (anymore) we would take our "smoke breaks" four times a day to work out in our office. Our office is primarily women so we didn't care if another female walked in. We do have a few fellows who work in the office and if one of them walked in on our exercise time it was sometimes awkward - especially when we were doing what we called "humpies". Yes, we have an exercise called "humpies". It is pretty much what it sounds like. Anyway... with all of that exercising we were trying to control our eating, but that was very difficult. We work for a restaurant company, a very yummy restaurant company, so when we would order food from the restaurant for the office, we went a little overboard. That seemed to snowball and we became professional eaters, especially when we drank wine! No, we didn't drink wine at work, despite what other people in the office thought. All this leads up to my question... what do I call my girls? I suggested "Jake and the Fat Man", but the "Fat Man" didn't think that was too funny. So, I started thinking...

• Laverne & Shirley - NO. I had two pygmy goats that I named Laverne and Shirley, but they ended up both being boys, so that didn't work out very well. Shirley was a complete moron and killed herself with a bale of hay. So, just "Vern" was left. So, no.
• Cagney & Lacey... haha, no. Too lesbianish. But that would be funny!
•  Bugs Bunny & Daffy Duck... I might be onto something... Bugs & Daffy
• Dum & Dummer... I'm cracking myself up now
• Beavis & Butthead... I know they could pick which one would be which!
• Kermit & Piggy... OMG< I'm dying!
• Mary Kate & Ashley - yeah, right!

I guess, to try to be nice, my girls will now be called Jack and Karen - you know who they are if you ever watched "Will & Grace". So, from here on out, my girls will be Jack and Karen - sorry, I still have "Jake & The Fat Man" in my head - that just makes me giggle. If I revert to Jake & TFM, well, sorry girls... kisses! Love you Fat Man...